A Thousand Sharks Teeth

The new My Brightest Diamond album pulls a rabbit out of the hat.

Adjective soup: ethereal and operatic and dreamy.

I saw her perform a while back, and all I can say is that she reminded me of The Wizard of Oz.

When you hear her, that will make perfect sense. There's something kind of fantastical, technicolor, deep-in-the-forest, wood nymph-y about her voice.

Forever in Blue Jeans: A Tribute to Jewish Elvis

A decade ago, I was working for Columbia Records in Detroit. At one of my retail accounts (the inimitable, great WhereHouse Records), there was a fellow musicnerd named Ben. He did a lot of great displays and in-store promotions for me. I owed him a couple of favors, to say the least.

His girlfriend was one of the worlds biggest Neil Diamond fans.

She was decidedly a "square" to me, because I was too stupidly arrogant, young and green back then regarding songwriting greats to recognize the talent and finer points of Neil Diamond, the man they call the Jewish Elvis. Plus, my dad loved him, and I hated what my dad loved (oh! teenage rebellion!)

It would not be until about a year ago that I figured out his genius.

In any event, Ben begged me to get tickets for Neil Diamond as a birthday gift supremo to his girlfriend. A surprise, he was planning and hoped I would help him out. I asked a few favors from the higher ups in NY (whose blank do I have to blank to get Dolly Parton tickets, by the way!?) and voila! Ben had 2 rows to see Neil Diamond in the second row! His girlfriend would be so elated!

The day following the show, I happened to stop into the record store. I remember this day because we were standing around discussing the um, May-December romance-marriage bewteen R. Kelly and Aaliyah, and somehow segued into the prior evenings Diamond show.

I asked him how the big birthday gift went over.

There was a long pause.

(I believe they call this a pregnant pause, but that term sorta grosses me out)

Ben responded "Umm, yeah, great...Thanks" which I thought was kinda rude.

He continued on, "I didn't know you were getting us backstage passes. Thanks for those, too," rather sarcastically.
And so the story was told to me.

Our radio guy brought back Ben and his girlfriend for what we call a meet-and-greet in my biz, if you will. An assembly line of people from radio, press, retail, etc. come back and meet the artist following their set. It can be impersonal, but its a chance for many great supporters and lucky fans to get a chance at rare autographs and a star encounter!

On this particular night, my friend Ben introduced his girlfriend, adding, "Its her birthday and she's been your #1 fan for years. She is SO excited to be here."

Neil, apparently met her eyes when he shook her hand, firmly, pulled her to him, and stuck his tongue in her mouth for a longkiss, after saying, "Well, Happy Birthday to You", eyes firmly fixed on hers. Whilst her boyfriend and hangers-on watched, some in horror.

hehehehe- SUPRISE!

This story was repeated to me by a second witness, and I was in shock, but thought it was sort of awesome, too. So, in honor of his majesty, here are some other facts (a la this month's great Blender piece) that might surprise or interest you about Mr. Diamond.

1. He was shot in the face once in Flatbush, Brooklyn "scrapping" with a pellet gun and it scared him so he never fought again (so gangsta! so...street! take that, lil' wayne!)

2. He sold vitamins door-to-door to make ends meet before he became famous

3. He wanted to change his name to Eice Cherry (I have no idea how one would even pronounce it) or Noah Kiminski (ummm), but his grandmother was in the hospital just before he struck songwriting gold, so he kept his actual name on his album, lest he disgrace her with a stage name. (thus proving the everything happens for a reason. a theory to live by.)

4. He went to high school with Barbera Streisand (in Brooklyn) but they weren't friends

5. He almost took on the role of Travis Bickle in Taxi Driver, but decided not to. (however, the film The Jazz Singer starring Neil Diamond is fucking great.

Especially the montage playing "Love on the Rocks" where he questions his whole life calling, goes on a soul searching journey, wears cocaine sunglasses, and doesn't shave. This is right before he reunites with his love on the beach, and "Hello Again" plays. I will stop now!)

6. All those old, spangled, tight outfits from the 70s have been preserved in a climate-controlled vaults (along with his guitars). Helloooo...Hot August Night.

This Looks Awesome.

I will never, ever tire of seeing animals talk on the big screen.

I cannot wait to see this. 

What's that? 

You want to see it, too?

Fantastic, old pal!

My treat. 

I'll get the popcorn, too. 

NO,

REALLY.

I INSIST.

The Derek Zoolander Center for Kids Who Can't Read Good

I watched "El Cantante" the other night and actually sort of enjoyed it. Ok.. I liked it!

What the fuck, right?

Anyways, I have an Achilles heel for that kind of stuff. There are men who like, say, dressing up in their girlfriends lingerie. There are women who like, I dunno, eating an entire cake in one sitting.  

My vices include absurd-implausable romantic comedies and Mark Anthony (amongst others). Could be worse (right?). Anyways...

...As Max Fischer said, "Aah, Latin America and such. WELL, moving on..."...here's some

stuff I actually have confidence in. 

Riunite on Ice, yeah, my taste is niiiiiice.

DAVID SEDARIS: WHEN YOU ARE ENGULFED IN FLAMES

I have like, Christmas eve suspense in my Heart before a Sedaris book comes out, because he is the best writer alive right now. Period. I will be college-lined paper, book reporting on this really shortly. But in the meantime, enjoy this little vignette, if you will, about overhearing a tourist couple argue about directions and the language barrier in Paris:

" 'You want to be French, Mary Frances, that's the problem, but instead you're just another American.' I went to the window for that one and saw a marriage disintegrate before my very eyes. Poor Mary Frances in her beige beret. Back at the hotel it had probably seemed like a good idea, but now it was ruined and ridiculous, a cheap felt pancake sliding off the back of her head. She'd done the little scarf thing, too, not caring that it was summer. It could have been worse, I thought. She could have been wearing one of those striped boater's shirts, but, as it was, it was pretty bad, a costume. really.

LIL' WAYNE: THE CARTER III 

(let us note the great album cover art, as well right now)

File Under: Scary-Smart. Skills: Extraterrestrial.  

Rap-poet-savant-phenom ....baptized by Jay-Z with the torch...and this album is tops. I hope it sees forever.

Man, I got Summer hating on me cause I'm hotter than the sun / Got Spring hating on me cause I ain't never sprung / Winter hating on me cause I'm colder than y'all / And I would never, I would never, I would never Fall...

Crazy People Don't Know They're Going Crazy, Right?

I need a dream dictionary or a psychic or a psychiatrist.

Last night I dreamed the following scenario:

John Cusack was my boyfriend. We were making out in our station wagon (the old kind), which was filled to the ceiling with high heeled shoes in the back. (?!)

In this dream, I complained to my boyfriend John Cusack that he had a) not done a decent film in a long time (true), and that b) he had worn a long, black trench coat in almost every movie he's ever done. My boyfriend John Cusack leaned over and kissed me adeiux...and told me our chauffeur, John (!) Goodman would be driving me around for the rest of the day.

So, John Goodman drove me here and there (for reasons uncertain we were in the South), and I stepped out of the car to get Mexican food, but as I did so, the sky, lowered like a remote control ceiling. It got very black with fast moving clouds and it began to pour. Torrentially. Apocolyptically.

I got back into the car. I felt a hot burn on my left leg. I thought this was a cigarette, for some reason, but it was actually John Goodman's hand. It was not perverse, it just was.

Cut to John Goodman and I going to an ice cream shop, where we waited for John Cusack to show up, in his black trench coat.

Is John Cusack the grim reaper?

WHY were there 2 "Johns"?

What do the high heels in the back signify?

What does it all mean?

hahaha...yeah....

Creative interpretations welcome.

The Birds and the Bees

Here's a cause newly close to my heart - the Honeybee crisis, y'all!

Alot of people don't seem to know this, but our honeybees, are "houdini-ing" as I like to say cutely, but mean quite seriously. They are vanishing. Think about this.
1. One out of every three bites of food every (*average) American eats is directly attributed to honeybee pollination.
2. More than 25% of the Western honey bee population has vanished over the last several winters, which poses a serious risk to our natural food supply.
3. Scientists do not know what is causing the Colony Collapse Disorder but its happenin' with no signs of slowing. And that's not good "bee-haviour". (sorry, for my dad jokes)(honey)

So...as if you need an excuse to eat ICE CREAM.....Haagen Daaz has invented a special flavor for the cause - Vanilla Honeybee. MMMM. Proceeds from sales of the deliciousness go towards research.
Click on the colors here for the tres-cool microsite which, is sort of beautiful and has lots of tiny bees flying around with "SOS" signs, and includes interesting, helpful information and factoids.
You can navigate around via the hive on the left and even design your own personal character & Bee Mail!
Grab your sundae spoon. Zoom around the links I've provided above.
Summertime.
Philanthropy.
Give the colony a hand.

POST-SCRIPT (this just in):

Smolinski Stefanie to me show details 5:11 PM (15 minutes ago)
Please add my Honey Bee to your blog. It's attached. I sort of modeled it after you. Only sort of, now don't go getting a big head.