A Fork in the Road

I am on a reading bender, as I am wont to do in the summertime like no other time. I just finished devouring "Kitchen Confidential" by my (faux) boyfriend, Anthony Bourdain.

You see, I live around the corner from Les Halles - one of the most delicious French restaurants in NYC.

It double dog dares me to get fat.

I mean they have a FRENCH FRY CHEF. A man, whose very employablitiy relies upon making delicious, crunchy, perfect forests of french fries to suffocate your steaks under.

This one's a page turner, if you like eating. A backstage pass into hells kitchen, or the mind of a culinary daredevil/innovator/desperado! whose paintbrush is a knife, and whose canvas is sautee pan...whose palette is your palate.

Mesmerizing book that is useful, instructional, helpful, and passionate - as well as a cavity-sweet memoir of really growing in to chef-dom. This includes fond memories of summers spent pushing around toy sailboats in France and learning to appreciate food (Vichyssoise is a cold, pleasing french soup made from potatoes, scallions, and leeks. Like your first oyster, sensations like this can beautiful)(also, its also a superbeautiful nickname for your sweetheart - pronounced vish-ee-swah. sayitlikeyerfrench!)

The Chef with the dangling cig who was inspired seemingly by stark personalities, food as sex, food as pain, culinary vocabularies, art, the Ramones, Johnny Thunders, cocaine, mobster bosses, psychopathic cooks, mexican dishwashers, Marlboros, girls - Bourdain seemingly ate and ingested St Marks and everything below 14th street by the time he was 30. Some of it, he spit back out, and some of it stuck to his bones.

This man's meals are poems.

If you don't like to read, then there is a whole new season of "No Reservations" coming up on the Travel Channel next week, which is one of the only thrilling, smart shows on the ole' picturebox anymore.

For You: A little "cheat sheet" - some cliff notes, if you will (and you will) on dining out. Compliments of Bourdain, but in my own words....

*(bad news first) "Hollandaise sauce is a veritable petri dish of biohazards."

I am pretty much a goddamn cheerleader for the morning marriage of champagne and eggs, every day of the week. But apparently hollandaise sauce is riff raff! It might as well be made from cigarette butts and clarified lard. I am so upset about this - but I'll just order the omelet, now, thanks.

*If you order your steak well done (aside from not truly being able to appreciate a good slice of meat), you are going to get the shittiest slab of beef in the house. It doesn't matter if the number of stars that the restaurant has equal a constellation. Get over it. At least have it prepared medium, to ensure flavor and fresh. Even good chefs know they can throw out that piece of old leather on death row at the walk-in cooler, or they can save it for "food cost percent" - which means you might be chewing on a wallet if you say "well done".

*If you eat a cheap sushi restaurant, you're eating cheap fish and your worst fears can probably be confirmed here. The word discount can gen

erally be synonymous with "cheap" and/or "old". If something sounds too good to be true, it usually is! Don't skimp on RAW FISH for chrissake.

*file under: Good to Know: (at least in NYC) Fish is at its freshest on Tues-Thurs. Trust it. If you want to know why, you can read the chapter on fresh fish delivery, which is somewhat disturbing but helpful.

Above all, if you're going to go 20,000 leagues under the Sea, try to avoid the words "Monday" and "Special" in unison.

*Steer clear of Swordfish. Parasites love swordfish.

*Chilean Sea Bass: Overpriced/Trendy (also, see above)

*Here's a good point - use the restroom at the restaurant you're eating at as a compass. Think about it - "They let you see the bathrooms. If the restaurant can't be bothered to keeps the floors and toilets clean, imagine what their refrigeration and work spaces look like." You can't argue with THAT.

*Eat the bread. Its OK. In fact, its aces.

*When travelling, its ok! to try foods from the street vendors. There are probably in all likelihood more concerns in a fast food kitchen than at these places. Think about it - these carts don't stay in business with the locals by giving them crummy dishes! Enjoy local foods when travelling!

Travel Guide for Upcoming Season here